The curse of Chief Niwot

So there is legend based on true events that we heard about soon after arriving in Boulder. During the Gold Rush as people headed out West they encountered more and more Natives. Here in Boulder County it was the Southern Arapahos that encountered the first whites. Captain Thomas Aikins led the group towards Denver but one glimpse of the mountains near Boulder caused him to veer off course and head toward them instead, convinced that they held the gold he was seeking. Chief Niwot saw them coming and it was in that moment that he proclaimed his legendary curse. According to the Chief, the curse of Boulder Valley was its breathtaking landscape: "People seeing the beauty of this valley will want to stay, and their staying will be the undoing of the beauty." As soon as we told people that we came to Boulder after visiting this summer they told it was the curse of Chief Niwot that brought us back. And honestly, I do believe it is true, though the undoing of the beauty I am not as convinced of. So many people have visited and then moved here as if drawn by something else. Before I left my friend Ali was saying how jealous she was of me. She had spent some time out here last summer as well and said it was seriously somewhere she could see herself living, the only place that would take her away from NY. My sister Jen lived in Boulder for about 8 years until she had my nephew. Convinced that she wanted to be closer to family she moved to NY. After living in NY for about 4 years, forcing herself to make it work and be happy, she realized it wasn't working. She then moved to Argentina to be with a different side of the family and though she loves it there, guess where she is moving to this summer? Yeah, Boulder. There is truly something about this place that is drawing you in. I feel as though I am finally home here.

We have been here a little over a week and it just feels comfortable. And there is not something that I can pin point that makes me feel that way, it is just a feeling. I do love being able to bike to work everyday on a bike path especially made for bikers, one that follows the lay of the land and rarely crosses any roads. I love that people out here are just nicer in general, just happier. I love that when I take my break at work I get to sit on the back porch outside Panera with a breath-taking view of the mountains. I love that we can go climbing and hiking any time we want and that the options are literally endless! I love all the little shops and cafes and places where you can find cool stuff and cool people. I love all the concerts and fairs and markets and culture! I love the Teahouse, the library, the Pearl street mall and all the performers you can find there. I love looking at the mountains as I ride to work and all the sunny days! I also love that it is far greener than I thought it would be and that all the flowers are in bloom!

I started working at Panera on the 11th and the first few days were rough. I just didn't really understand what I was doing there, working in something I really have no long term goals of doing. My GM asked me if I was working towards becoming a manager and I said no, she seemed surprised, oh well. I am a Shift Supervisor which is kind of like a junior manager. After a few days it got better. The atmosphere at this Panera is just so different. All of the managers are young and totally chill. This Panera gets way more business than my old one ever did and that's a great change of pace. I have applied to so many other jobs that I would rather do, but for now, this works. I mean until I start my Master's, there is very little I can do in my field which is one of the most frustrating things about Psychology. I plan to enroll for the Fall 2010 semester and hopefully that will open up some doors for me.
Anyway, thought I would give a quick update on how we are doing out here. Jay leaves for his Outward Bound training tomorrow so send some prayers and good vibes our way.

Stuck in the Middle

I just returned from my first job interview in Colorado. I would say that it went fairly well with one major exception - both women who interviewed me saw right through my carefully crafted resume and asked, "So, do you really want to work here in a lab?" How do I respond to that? Yes, please ma'am, I do actually want the job, but I know that every second I am in here will suck just a little bit more life out of me. No, No, I don't want this job just to have a job. I'm here for the longterm. Did that sound convincing? The hard part is that I could really like the company. They do all natural products chemistry - that is, things like analysis of anti-oxidants in teas, dietary supplements, etc. etc. It's all very fascinating to me and something that I could really get into working on.

This kind of thing has happened to me before. When I interview for science jobs, they all wonder about why I've been "wasting" my time in the woods. And, when I interview for outdoor ed jobs, they all wonder why anyone in their right mind would ever spend that much time in front of a computer or in a lab. They just can't wrap their heads around my dichotomous nature. I know that I've blogged about what I should do with my life here before, and some of you may be getting tired of hearing me gripe about it. Believe me, I hope to be done with the griping very soon. I've had about enough of it myself. My interviewers actually had some good suggestions about positions that would fit well for me, even if they were skeptical that I could get them in this economy (Is that a bad sign when the person who is interviewing you for a job recommends one that "would be perfect for you" that's different from the position you're interviewing for?

Anyway, on the walk home I had what I will call a minor epiph....breakthrough. I was thinking about my previous bosses. Both of them are hardworking people who seem to care about what they do. They care so much in fact, that the go home at night thinking about how they can do what they do better. That was the epiphan....breakthrough - that they go home at night thinking about their job. I don't think that I've ever gone home or stayed up at night thinking about how to do better at my job. In fact, I usually liked a job for that reason - that I didn't have to put that kind of investment in to do it well. But, now perhaps, I'm thinking that it was a sign that maybe I didn't really like the job as much as I though after all. The only work related thing that I think about constantly, that keeps me up at night, that I devote a lot of energy into figuring out how to do better is education, specifically experiential education.

Maybe this interview just confirmed for me what I already knew. Sometimes the truly transformational experiences do that for a person - affirm things about us that we already knew. And that's one of the things I love about experiential ed....

A Sweater for Rocio

Here are some quick pictures of the sweater I made for my niece Rocio who is turning 2 May 16th. It is made from fleece and has two side panels that when on will make it feel like a little dress. It has a hood (my first hood!) and a zipper. I also had some fun with embroidery and iron-on flowers to give it something special. I finished it today and am now going to continue packing (what I should have been doing instead of sewing!)

One Week

I can't believe that it is one week until we leave for Boulder. It seems like the time has flown by. Living with my in laws has actually been nice. I have been blessed with great in laws which I know doesn't happen often. Especially the all so awful mother-in-law that little girls hear about pretty much as soon as they start planning their dream weddings to prince charming. I get along with Sharon really well. We talk a ton and since she taught me to sew, we have even more to talk about. She is like my mom praising my work and telling me how great it is. Jay's father is a man of few words but we have a lot of those in my family so it just seems normal to me. He does know how to make me laugh though, for sure. Anyway, it will be hard to leave, just as it was hard to leave Argentina. We have great friends in this area that we will miss very much as well. I am getting more nervous about work too. I will be transferring to the Panera in Boulder as a manager and just feel like no one will like being bossed around by someone who just arrived. People here respect me because they started with me and worked with me from the beginning. The people in Boulder don't know me and haven't seen me work so I feel like I will need to prove myself to them. Oh well, we shall see.

We have secured a place for the summer which was exciting. It is the whole basement of a house where two other people will be living. It is super close to work and right on a lake! We got an amazing deal and lucked out on a great location. I am really excited to get out there and set up our living space.

I have gone a little crazy with the sewing. Some might say I have become obsessed. After doing my skirt I did a pair of fleece pants for myself with pockets and a drawstring. Then I did an outfit for my nephew Tomas: jeans with cargo pockets and an elastic waistband, and a sweatshirt with a zippered collar and elbow patches. Now I am working on a sweatshirt for my niece Rocio and soon I will be starting pants for Jay. I love it, like seriously love it. It is so much easier than I thought it would be and with each project I learn so much more. I am so greatful that Sharon took the time to teach me and help me learn and progress. Below are some pictures of my nephews new outfit.

The whole outfit by the new tupils

Close-up of the sweatshirt with the patches

Close-up of jeans with cargo pockets.

And.....My parents-in-law bought me a sewing machine for my brithday!!!! I am so shocked! They gave it to me today and it is seriously amazing! It is on this great table that has sleeves you can pull up for more room and the sewing machine goes down into it so it can be used as a regular desk when you are not sewing. The table it gorgeous in an of itself. The sewing machine is the same brand I have been using here but the next version up. It is all mechanical too which makes me very happy! I was looking at sewing mahcines the other day and they all have computerized parts and LCD screen where you can pick your stitch. It was all so confusing and seemingly unnecesary. This machine is perfect and it means I can continue sewing while in Boulder!! I can't wait!

Jay and I have been trying to enjoy our last days here by spending some time at the parks and doing nice drives. This area is truly amazing in beauty. The rolling green hills and all the old stone farms and buildings are just wonderful. We went to one park after work and watched the sunset which was really great.

Sunset over the lake

We also got to spend some time with our friends Matt and Sarah who live in Harrisburg. We were there yesterday for Matts Birthday party and just had such a wonderful time. Jay and I left really upset and teary eyed. We will really miss them alot. Sarah is pregnant as well so the next time we see them they will have a child with them which is just a crazy thought.

On the roof deck at Matt and Sarahs

That's all for now. We will definately let you all know when we get to Boulder and how we are settling in.

Peace

Beyond the Realm of Words

The other day I was sitting in Barnes and Noble waiting for my wife to pick me up after work when I picked up the latest issue of Climbing Magazine (Yes, I admit I read them. But, I equate it to rubber necking. You know it's going to be bad, but you look anyway) Inside there was a letter from a former Senior Editor at Alpinist (The only climbing magazine actually worth reading) Katie Ives. Just about the entire climbing world is lamenting the loss of Alpinist and waiting to see what new editor Michael Kennedy does with the new version of it. Katie had written to Climbing to encourage that magazine to carry on the vision that the team at Alpinist had for their publication. The goal of their magazine was to try to begin to describe what she called "the world beyond the realm of words."

I can tell you that I've been to that world. I know this because everytime I try telling someone about one of my trips and I completely fail to capture their imagination. How does one describe a place that is beyond description? Just yesterday my family was asking me about my recent trip to Bolivia, and the best I could do to explain what I had done was to show inadequate pictures. Whatever spark ignites inside of me when I am in those places seems to be lost when I try to talk about them. I get the feeling that I come off sounding rather blase because of my matter-of-fact nature of speaking when talking about my trips. I can assure you though, that my true feelings are anything but apathetic. I've realized, though, that the thing that I've stopped putting energy into, is really trying to tell people about what I do. I can take you there. I can show you for yourself, but I can't just talk or show you pictures.

Something about that phrase, "beyond the realm of words" really struck me though as I read it and spurred a million other thoughts. I first thought of a Russell Brand interview I had heard the other day on Fresh Air where he was talking about the power of words and story telling (I don't know why that was my first thought, but strange as it isto think of, it was). I next thought about Three Cups of Tea, which I finally got around to reading after my wife had been telling me for months (maybe years) to pick it up. That thought led to my trip to Bolivia, and then on to my life in the past year. I am two weeks away from my third, or fourth, depending on how you count, major life change in the last year. It's been a lot to take in, and I'm trying to make sense of it all now before we move on to our next, and hopefully, last, location (for at least another 6 months).

My last blog about Bolivia focused on the really difficult parts of the trip and none of the really amazing people, places or things that we did. I think that is simply because its easier to write about the hard things than all of the things that lie beyond the realm of words. Bolivia was simply amazing; it was amazing in a way that I can't really describe. All I can say is that it has consumed my thoughts for the two weeks since I've been back. The conversations I had there have inspired my mind, and at the moment there are more questions than answers. So, I'll focus on the things that I've been thinking about, as incomplete as those thoughts may be.

The kind of people that I really envy in life are the ones like Greg Mortenson. It's not the lifestyle that makes me jealous, but the singularity of vision in a person like that. Name it whatever you will - calling, vocation, mission, life's purpose. They are all words for the same thing. What would possess a person to make radical changes in everything that they do to pursue one single thing on the road far less traveled? I think that it is partly witnessed somthing spectacular in the realm beyond words. In the case of Greg Mortenson, he was already exploring some of the most incredible and indescribable places on the planet when he literally stumbled onto the wrong path and everything changed for him.

The last year has definitely been the road less traveled for us, so what paths have we stumbled upon? Living without fulltime work, Colorado, wilderness, Argentina, Patagonia, Chester County, substitute teaching, Bolivia. I've walked a road or two in all of those places. Before we left for Argentina I had decided that I would not make any definite decisions about what I wanted to until after returning from Africa. I wanted that to be my time of trial and reflection, and I hoped that I would emerge on the other side of that experience with a Mortenson-like vision for what the next stage of my life would be. Well, Africa didn't happen, and a few other paths have opened up instead. Have any of those new journeys been the one to change everything for me? How about the journeys of the past year? Or are they all moving towards another, as of yet, undiscovered, path? Or perhaps even nothing at all. Maybe the singular moment where I see it all clearly will never come. Waiting for a grand epiphany isn't usually the best method for life and/or career planning, but hey, I don't have any other great ideas at the moment.

Are you now wondering how this rambling post has managed to go from reading a bad magazine to trying to figure out what to do with my life? It's all connected - trust me. Just focus on the realm beyond words idea. Like I said, I've been there. I've seen it; I've lived in it; I've breathed in it deeply. Now, the question is what to do next, and I don't know. If I had the answer I wouldn't be rambling.

In Russell Brand's new book (which has turned out to not be that great, eventhough Russell clearly has streak of genius when it comes to language - I think that just comes from being British) he writes the following passage, which though, not the situation he's writing about, is completely applicable to the realm beyond words - or in that case any location or situation that really puts one in the crucible.

In that situation, alienated from my normal surroundings, I realized that the outer surface of what I thought was my unique individual identity was just a set of routines. We all have an essential self, but if you spend every day chopping up meat on a slab, selling it by the pound, soon you'll find you've become a butcher. And if you don't want to become a butcher (and why would you?) you're going to have to cut right through to the bare bonds of your own character in the hope of finding out who you really are. Which bloody hurts.

So, because I've spent the last year running around the world, leading trips, and teaching - does that make me an outdoor educator? Or is my "essential self" something other than that?

It Doesn't Have to Be Fun to Be Fun

Huayna Potosi from Campamento Argentino

Uhhhh.... stomach churning.....should not have eaten that chicken last night.... hurts so bad......lungs burning.... can't breathe..... ahhhh.... head pounding..... need to sit down..... need some food.... so tired..... need some sleep.....


So did you have a good time?!?

Hmmmmm... yes. I had a wonderful time stumbling up and down the mountain feeling just about as awful as one can feel and still be standing. I've been home for a week now, and I'm just starting to recover from the 14 pounds I lost, and the round of antibiotics I needed to get my GI tract back to normal. There's an old saying in mountaineering - It doesn't have to be fun to be fun. This trip was definitely fun.

That's me sitting on the right, feeling just a little bit better on the way down.

Just before leaving for Bolivia this article came across my Google Reader.
http://www.highlineonline.ca/media/winter_2009/guidebook/dance_monkey.html
It was written by Andrew Wexler, a guy who's spent the last ten years guiding climbs in South America, and while he writes about several countries, the main part of the article is about the idiosyncrasies of leading groups in Bolivia. He writes about the dance one needs to perform to navigate the landscape of roadblocks, political chaos, missing bagage and food poisoning all while ensuring the safety the paying clients. Andrew Wexler had ten years of stories to draw upon for his article, but I contend, with the following, that one does not need ten years of experience to have their share anecdotes about performing the "dance" in South America.

First, the bagage - this was actually a relatively minor incident, but when we arrived in La Paz the bag with all of my personal equipment (backpack, tent, sleeping bag, etc.) was missing. I spoke with the airline agent, provided the address where I was staying in Cochabamba, and went on my way. I've lost bags on South American flights before, and they eventually turned up - a week later. I called the next day to find out that my bag had added a side trip to Sao Paolo, but was now on its way to La Paz and eventually Cochabamba. It would be delivered the following day. Needless to say, it didn't show up, so I followed the trail of misinformation from the guest house host, the guest house guard, and the kiosco owner across the street who would hold the bag for me while I was up in the mountains. When I asked if the bag arrived, he directed me to Guillermo's house next door where I would need to go to call the airport because they definitely don't deliver luggage. As I said, this was a relatively minor inconvience. To get the back, I just had to send my passport to the airport with my friend Jose Luis, who knew a guy that could take care of these kinds of things. I had my stuff a few hours later.

The story that takes the cake from this trip though, is the mysterious illness that my friend Ryan developed after a few days in Cochabamba. He came down with what could have been strep throat as well as other strange symptoms. He consulted a doctor, and we went to the pharmacy to pick up some antibiotics for him. The great thing about South America is that you don't need a prescription at the pharmacy, so in addition to some amoxicillin we got a bonus of an injectable penicillin cocktail all for around $10 bucks. The guy at the pharmacy thought it was amusing to talk to me in Quechua even when I told him that I didn't understand.

We headed back to the guest house and Jose Luis, who got his injection training from his wife, stuck Ryan in the cheek with the penicillin shot. Ryan stayed at the guest house for another day to try to recover before heading into the mountains, and everyone else drove up to Tunari to acclimatize by sleeping at elevation for a night. There was a little mix up with the second penicillin shot, so when we met up the next Ryan had to get a shot in the other cheek in the back bathroom of a Bolivian gas station. He was a good sport about the whole thing. He just gave me this look before Jose Luis stuck him again that was filled with questions like, "Am I really about to get a shot of penicillin, from an unknown laboratory, for an unconfirmed disease, in a dirty, disgusting gas station bathroom, from an untrained person, without any kind of sterilization beforehand. Yes, Ryan. Yes, you are. Welcome to Bolivia. To his credit, Ryan just rolled with it, and seemed fairly unphased by the whole experience. Perhaps it was just a little too surreal to really hit home. His only request to Jose Luis beforehand was to not touch anything in the bathroom or put anything down anywhere.









The gas station bathroom
Jose Luis preparing the shot

Our last day in the mountains was spent at Huayna Potosi. We got a late start getting over there from the Condoriri Group, so we stopped for dinner in El Alto to save time instead of cooking late that night. I was so hungry that I scarfed down two servings of fried chicken. Unfortunately, the restuarant was just a little bit suspect, and Alex and I paid for it later. We got to the refugio late that night, packed our gear and got to bed as fast as possible. We wanted to start climbing at 1 am, but I was the first to bed at 11. We would start a little later to at least get a little sleep. We were up at 3 am and hiking by 4:30. By sunrise around 6 or 6:30, I decided my stomach had had enough, and luckily we were at the rock camp refugio. There was a "bathroom" there, and a very nice guy who gave me some paper. Feeling only slightly better I roped up to get on the glacier. The only problem was that every weaker and weaker step brought more pain - more stomach churning, more head pounding. It was slow going.

The summit was out of the question for us as we were 3 hours behind schedule and moving slowly. I'm glad we made it as far as we did. I'm glad I got to see Campamento Argentino, and I'm glad we didn't go any farther. Ryan told me on the way down that I didn't look so good - if he only knew.....

Uhhhh.... stomach churning.....should not have eaten that chicken last night.... hurts so bad......lungs burning.... can't breathe..... ahhhh.... head pounding..... need to sit down..... need some food.... so tired..... need some sleep.....

Welcome to Bolivia!

PS - To be fair, it was an absolutely amazing trip, and this blog perhaps is biased toward the slightly more challenging aspects of the experience. For a little more balanced view, check out my pictures at: http://picasaweb.google.com/jaybennett83/Bolivia#

Sew Domestic

So I have taken up sewing. I am really excited about it. I have always dreamt about making my own clothes and someday making clothes for my kids. My grandmother made clothes for my mom and her siblings and I just think its so awesome. Plus, it is way more economical to make your clothes than to buy them AND they always fit better. The only thing holding me back? I have no idea how to sew and the only times I'd used a sewing machine, I'd gotten completely frustrated with jams and thread and speed, you name it. I mentioned this to my mother-in-law one day and she said she would teach me. She knew how to sew for real, once having made a wedding dress for her soon to be sister-in-law. So I went out, got some fabric and an easy pattern and got to work. I laid out the pattern and was already confused. Sharon helped me and didn't laugh at my questions and mistakes. I cut out the pattern and then cut out my fabric. She threaded the bobbin for me, showed me some sewing 101 and I got to work on some scraps. With her help, I learned to love sewing with a machine. So much faster than by hand...

I made a skirt and am very proud of it. I looks like a skirt, drapes like a skirt and actually fits. I am amazed. Here is what my first ever sweing project looks like:

Top hem

Bottom Hem

I already have my next project on deck. I am making some thin drawstring fleece pants. I am really excited because I have wanted these for awhile and never wanted to pay so much for them. I will let you know how it goes.

In other news, Jay is back, alive and well. I am sure he will write a detailed post about the trip. He brought our new camera with him and loved it. We bought a new camera, by the way. It is the Olymus Stylus 1030SW, in green.

It is shockproof, waterproof, freezeproof, crushproof, its a eco-product, 10.1 megapixels, 3.6x wide-angle lens and the list goes on. This camera can take photos and video underwater, can be dropped while climbing and survive and can be attached to your harness while climbing for easy photo taking, worry free. Crazy. Jay said it rocked. His pictures show it. I am excited about it as well because it just takes amazing pictures and has so many great features.

Goodbye is such an awful word...

WARNING- There is some major rambling below. Read at your own risk of boredom...

So Jay is gone and I am bummed. This will be the longest he has been away from me since we've been married, and also the farthest he's been from me. I dropped him off at the Philly airport and cried the whole way home. For those of you who don't know me well, don't worry, this is normal. Jay has gotten used to the tears that appear in my eyes anytime we have to say goodbye, ever since we first started dating. Goodbyes have always been hard for me, kinda a family trait. Anyway, its been hard. Harder than I had imagined. I didn't sleep at all the first night fighting the tears and the feeling of such alone-ness. Its gotten a bit better after a few days but I keep thinking how far away the day that he comes back is. It feels like forever.

I hate this part of it. This waiting, the being left behind part of it. I am so, so supportive of what he loves, of what he wants to do. I told him very early on that I was OK with it, that I loved his passion for it. If anyone has seen Jay on a trip they know that he is TRULY alive when he is in the woods. When he is teaching or helping someone love what he loves. Its like he can truly breath, like he can be who is really is. I don't know how to explain it more than that but for those of you who have seen him, you know. I feel a lot of what he feels about being in the wilderness. I love it too. I love being away from the things of man. I love the fresh air and the scenery and the feeling of having God so close, so everywhere. I also love being with Jay in the woods, more than anything. He is so happy, so himself, like nothing could take the constant smile off his face. What I don't share is his love for teaching. He is so patient with people, so caring and helpful. The only trip we led together in Kentucky, I realized that I do not share his same love of taking others along with us. Maybe its just selfishness, of having to share him. Haha. The part I did enjoy was teaching with him, of seeing the pride in his eyes as I led with him, side by side. And we were in the woods, enjoying the landscape, trying our hardest to show the students how to love it too.

But now he's gone without me. I can't help but feel worried and anxious. What if something were to happen, I keep thinking. How on earth would I get to him? As much as I push those thoughts out of my head, they are there in the background. I try to focus more on what he may be seeing, what beauties, people and conversations he may be having. I am so greatful that he is with Ryan Carlson too. It makes my worries ease so much more. Ryan is awesome, cautious and he loves Jay. Ryan makes the tough decisions to turn back easier than most which makes me feel so much better. If there were any danger, Ryan would see it and know, and it doesn't take much to convince Jay to turn back if he sees it too. The two of them together makes me feel safe, knowing they won't do anything stupid.

Jay and I write to eachother when we are apart. Most people who know that thinks it so romantic and wonderful. While it is, it also makes things so much easier for the two of us to be apart. When I write to him about my day, it makes me feel closer to him and I imagine I am just having the conversation with him and not the page. When he comes home, he ends up having a full document of his trip that he can later look back on and remember with clarity. Its been fun to take the notebooks and read them afterwards, there are many, we started the first time he left me, the summer after he graduated. It makes it fun too when he comes home, to exchange the books and read them. I can also be honest about how hard it is on a page easier than to his face sometimes. I get to tell him how I am truly feeling in that moment and not have to try and remember after the fact. He can do the same. And I can see that he misses me just as terribly as I miss him.

But its hard, you know? What would you do? If the person you loved more than anything in the world wanted to do something that was dangerous and took him away from you for some time? And what if it was something he loved and something you had seen for yourself? I mean I fell in love with that man, who was leading my trip to the Everglades, who was so confident and full of joy. I get it. We talk to alot of people who have been doing this longer than us. People in the CCO and others. At the same time, its hard to not read about the divorce rate of NOLS instructors and such. The hardest part is that I know if I asked him to, he would give it up, he would stop, but HE also knows I would never ask such a thing. He loves me too much to say no, and I love him too much to ask, strange little viscious circle.

There is something nice, though, to the time apart. It is true that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I miss him like crazy when he is gone and then he comes home, all in one peice and I cry from happiness. He is home, he came back to me, he's OK. And as much as its hard to come home to an empty bed, it means I can read as late as I want to, without worrying that the light is keeping him awake. I can stretch out and not worry about bothering him. I can go visit people without worrying about having to be home when Jay comes back to work, not wanting to leave him alone by himself. I have always been a very independent person and when Jay leaves, I feel like a part of that comes back. It's nice sometimes. Of course when he comes back all of that disappears because he is back and everything makes sense again.

Jay and I always talk about how when we are seperated its like we can't take a breath. Like our bodies don't remember how to breath. There is a wieght on our ribs that doesn't allow our lungs to exand enough. It has become common for us to say, when we embrace eachother again after a long trip, that we can breath again. That's how I am feeling now, like I can't take a breath big enough. Jen would probably tell me that I am too much of a romantic, but oh well, I am what I am.

And so here I sit, trying not to think about the fact that he is gone, trying to distract myself with good books and nice yarn and wanderings on the internet. But he is gone and it sucks. This is just a small taste of what it will be like this summer. 14-21 days away, 7-10 days home. What am I going to do? I am not sure but we have survived before and we will continue to do what we can to make this work. I don't know how people do it frankly, or even how I did it before. I know from experience that it gets easier as the days go by and I am looking forward to that. There is a weird part of me that gets used to being alone.

*************************************************************************************
On another note...
I talked to my sisters and my mom. On Skype with the video on, my neice looked at my face on her computer screen and said "hola patti" and I nearly died of happiness. She is so adorable. It was nice to talk to them, to hear how they are doing. The 15th was my dads birthday and after 17 years you'd think it would be an easier day for me, but its still not. I think about him more than I would admit to anyone. He died when I was only six and I still cannot stop thinking that I was robbed. I feel like I know him so well, maybe because a part of him lives on in me, or because he is so much on my mind. I don't know. My mom wrote about him in her blog (http://lili-viewfromabroad.blogspot.com/) and I realized that she has also never fully moved on. A part of me loves that, loves that my dad was her one and only. Another part wishes I could fill that void for her so that she would never have to hurt again.

That part of my life has so fully bled into all other areas of my life. I think its part of what makes it so hard for me when Jay leaves. I am so scared of losing him, so scared that I will be robbed again, of another man in my life, of the man of MY dreams. I know it is stupid because he could just as easily leave me sitting on the couch as climbing a mountain, but I can't help it. It's part of who I am.

And so, as I finish my rambling, if you are still reading, I apologize. I guess I needed to vent a little and maybe make this post a little more personal than I have allowed this blog to be. There is it, my heart on a page. Hope you enjoyed it because it doesn't happen often.

Please pray for Jays safety too and safe return home.

Where are we going?

Ok. So I know some of you are wondering what Jay and I are doing with our lives since we are no longer going to Africa. For those of you that didn't know we are not going to Africa with the Peace Corps...we are not going, long story, ask us.

So right now Jay and I are living with Jays parents in Parkesburg, PA. Its been good and hard and many things but we are grateful that they let us stay for awhile. Its been hard adjusting to a lifestyle where you literally have to drive EVERYWHERE. Anytime you want to go anywhere, you have to get in the car and drive quite a distance to go to a store. Even in Mechanicsburg we could walk into town to eat, do laundry, whatever. I think living here has proven to me that suburbia is not for me. If I can't get on a bike or walk, or even get on a bus to go someplace, then no thanks.

Anyway, so we have been living here. I have been working at Panera bread in Exton and Jay works at Modells and will soon start substitute teaching. Its kinda been weird to have a job again, especially because we are both working under our abilities. We are making money and trying to save for when we move to....dun dun dah! COLORADO!

So yeah, Jay and I are moving to Colorado sometime in early May. Jay got a job with Outward Bound leading trips all summer. He starts on May 17th and we are going to try anf find a place to live before that, god willing. I am so excited to be going somewhere that will be our home for awhile. Its been fun doing what we're doing, wandering around and going wherever we please, but there comes a time when you need a place to call home. Whatever we find I will be so glad to have a place for just Jay and I to be together and call our own. I am looking for jobs out there but haven't had alot of sucess. Jays job is exactly what he's wanted for awhile and I am so excited that he gets to do it. It will mean alot of time away but we can do it.

Colorado has so many things I am excited about. First of all, the Boulder area has great public transportation. Seeing as we don't have cars, that is a definate plus. Also, bike paths are everywhere and for the first time, Jay won't be the only crazy guy biking in cold weather, or at all for that matter. The mountains! Oh man I don't think I will ever get tired of looking at the mountains. We can go climbing after work if we want, go camping for the weekend in the mountain, go paddling on the local river, the list goes on and on in terms of what the outdoors have to offer us in CO. Also, I am so excited to be in a place and a community where we will be with some like minded people. People in Boulder care about our earth and that is really important to us. I feel like when I bike to the grocery store with my big basket on my bike and my cloth bags, people won't wonder what is going on. I will just park my bike next to the other bikes there and chat with people about how great it is that we can do this.

Maybe my vision of CO is tainted because I have always wanted to live there, or because it means having a home, either way, I am stoked. I will be with Jay in this beautiful place and it will be for awhile. Just to put icing on the cake, my sister Jen and her husband Chris are moving out there with my nephew Albert. I will be with some family which is so awesome to me. I get to see my nephew whom I love dearly, maybe be able to pick him up from school or have my special days with him again.
So thats the deal. Live at the parentals, make as much money as we can, move to CO and LIVE!

PS- For those of you that don't know, Jay is leaving for Bolivia next week and will be gone for two weeks. He will be paddling, hiking, mountaineering and helping with a camp down there. Send some prayers and good vibes our way so that he is safe and that his Spanish comes back easily!

Spandex is the New Black

I must be the coolest person on earth. The other day I got more honks, waves and catcalls in one afternoon than I ever could have imagined possible. It was as if I was walking the red carpet on Oscar night, and all of the paparazzi where shouting my name because they wanted a picture of me. I was number one on everyone's interview list, and it is all because of my new fashion secret. No, you haven't seen this on the red carpet or even in line at the hottest clubs (obviously you wouldn't be in line if you were wearing this). I'm writing, of course, about spandex. That infamous fabric has stretched itself and moved outside of the home, gym, and the home gym, and hit the streets... or so the cycling magazines would have you believe.

This cycling cloth of choice has long been seen on riders, while riding, but there is a growing effort to make it socially acceptable in settings that are more traditionally the home of by the cashmere's, the fine silks....maybe even cotton. Just look at these guys


They are obviously celebrities of some kind (I mean, just look at them!) because they are clearly wearing the hottest designs that are so new they are not even in the pages of Vogue, GQ, etc. etc. I can only assume that they are sitting in some exclusive VIP section of the cafe, or that an elite security team is holding back the throngs of adoring people who are clamoring for their attention.

Scenes like this are kind of rare where I live (especially in February). So, I must also assume that I am only one of a handful of the half million people that live here on the the cutting edge of fashion. In fact, the only other person I know of who for sure will hit the town dressed in full racing kit, is the guy who walked into Panera the other day while Patti was there. He caused quite a stir among the customers and employees. There was finger pointing, whispers and stares that are usually only reserved for B level celebrities.

Consider this your notice. Get on the spandex train before it leaves the station! You, too, could be the center of attention everywhere you go. Hurry before spandex goes the way of Crocs!












Coming back to life in the US has been a little bit of an adjustment. We went from living out of our car, to living without a car, to now not being able to live without a car. Southeastern Pennsylvania is a beautiful mix of piedmont hills, farms, rivers, lakes, streams, and ahem....highways and subdivisions. In fact, talking to ex-pat Brits and after myself living in the West Midlands in England, I can say that Southern Chester County is indeed very much like the Cotswolds (http://www.the-cotswolds.org/). The scenery makes for beautiful living, but sadly, residing in that scenery puts one about 30 highway minutes from anything besides historic stone structures and covered bridges.

Beginning last year, I put in to full swing my effort to live car free. I bought a bicycle, rode to work, ran home, and made just about every effort not to drive. It was not a 100% conversion, but I spent more time on the bike than in the car and loved it. Growing up here, I always noticed the bikers I was wizzing past on my favorite scenic drives, but I never thought much of it - that is, until I became one of them.

As the weather has allowed, I've gone on two extended rides, both through Brandywine Conservancy land (http://www.brandywineconservancy.org/) on one of my favorite roads of all time. Route 82 is miles of Chester County perfection rolling through woods, farms and horse ranches for miles on end. Thanks to the Brandywine Conservancy most of this land will never look different than it does right now. The only draw back to riding on Route 82 is that a lot more people live here now, and a lot more people drive the road. It's usually not too bad. As a PA bike route, drivers are used to passing bikes there. For me the other day, the traffic was only a minor annoyance (there's no peaceful, quiet riding) with the exception of one cement truck's engine break that caused an extended string of explatives as it passed.

So, once you've acquired your new spandex outfit, you'll only need a bike to be sure that everyone can see you in your new spandex. Come on out on the road, and I'll see you at the cafe.