Goodbye is such an awful word...

WARNING- There is some major rambling below. Read at your own risk of boredom...

So Jay is gone and I am bummed. This will be the longest he has been away from me since we've been married, and also the farthest he's been from me. I dropped him off at the Philly airport and cried the whole way home. For those of you who don't know me well, don't worry, this is normal. Jay has gotten used to the tears that appear in my eyes anytime we have to say goodbye, ever since we first started dating. Goodbyes have always been hard for me, kinda a family trait. Anyway, its been hard. Harder than I had imagined. I didn't sleep at all the first night fighting the tears and the feeling of such alone-ness. Its gotten a bit better after a few days but I keep thinking how far away the day that he comes back is. It feels like forever.

I hate this part of it. This waiting, the being left behind part of it. I am so, so supportive of what he loves, of what he wants to do. I told him very early on that I was OK with it, that I loved his passion for it. If anyone has seen Jay on a trip they know that he is TRULY alive when he is in the woods. When he is teaching or helping someone love what he loves. Its like he can truly breath, like he can be who is really is. I don't know how to explain it more than that but for those of you who have seen him, you know. I feel a lot of what he feels about being in the wilderness. I love it too. I love being away from the things of man. I love the fresh air and the scenery and the feeling of having God so close, so everywhere. I also love being with Jay in the woods, more than anything. He is so happy, so himself, like nothing could take the constant smile off his face. What I don't share is his love for teaching. He is so patient with people, so caring and helpful. The only trip we led together in Kentucky, I realized that I do not share his same love of taking others along with us. Maybe its just selfishness, of having to share him. Haha. The part I did enjoy was teaching with him, of seeing the pride in his eyes as I led with him, side by side. And we were in the woods, enjoying the landscape, trying our hardest to show the students how to love it too.

But now he's gone without me. I can't help but feel worried and anxious. What if something were to happen, I keep thinking. How on earth would I get to him? As much as I push those thoughts out of my head, they are there in the background. I try to focus more on what he may be seeing, what beauties, people and conversations he may be having. I am so greatful that he is with Ryan Carlson too. It makes my worries ease so much more. Ryan is awesome, cautious and he loves Jay. Ryan makes the tough decisions to turn back easier than most which makes me feel so much better. If there were any danger, Ryan would see it and know, and it doesn't take much to convince Jay to turn back if he sees it too. The two of them together makes me feel safe, knowing they won't do anything stupid.

Jay and I write to eachother when we are apart. Most people who know that thinks it so romantic and wonderful. While it is, it also makes things so much easier for the two of us to be apart. When I write to him about my day, it makes me feel closer to him and I imagine I am just having the conversation with him and not the page. When he comes home, he ends up having a full document of his trip that he can later look back on and remember with clarity. Its been fun to take the notebooks and read them afterwards, there are many, we started the first time he left me, the summer after he graduated. It makes it fun too when he comes home, to exchange the books and read them. I can also be honest about how hard it is on a page easier than to his face sometimes. I get to tell him how I am truly feeling in that moment and not have to try and remember after the fact. He can do the same. And I can see that he misses me just as terribly as I miss him.

But its hard, you know? What would you do? If the person you loved more than anything in the world wanted to do something that was dangerous and took him away from you for some time? And what if it was something he loved and something you had seen for yourself? I mean I fell in love with that man, who was leading my trip to the Everglades, who was so confident and full of joy. I get it. We talk to alot of people who have been doing this longer than us. People in the CCO and others. At the same time, its hard to not read about the divorce rate of NOLS instructors and such. The hardest part is that I know if I asked him to, he would give it up, he would stop, but HE also knows I would never ask such a thing. He loves me too much to say no, and I love him too much to ask, strange little viscious circle.

There is something nice, though, to the time apart. It is true that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I miss him like crazy when he is gone and then he comes home, all in one peice and I cry from happiness. He is home, he came back to me, he's OK. And as much as its hard to come home to an empty bed, it means I can read as late as I want to, without worrying that the light is keeping him awake. I can stretch out and not worry about bothering him. I can go visit people without worrying about having to be home when Jay comes back to work, not wanting to leave him alone by himself. I have always been a very independent person and when Jay leaves, I feel like a part of that comes back. It's nice sometimes. Of course when he comes back all of that disappears because he is back and everything makes sense again.

Jay and I always talk about how when we are seperated its like we can't take a breath. Like our bodies don't remember how to breath. There is a wieght on our ribs that doesn't allow our lungs to exand enough. It has become common for us to say, when we embrace eachother again after a long trip, that we can breath again. That's how I am feeling now, like I can't take a breath big enough. Jen would probably tell me that I am too much of a romantic, but oh well, I am what I am.

And so here I sit, trying not to think about the fact that he is gone, trying to distract myself with good books and nice yarn and wanderings on the internet. But he is gone and it sucks. This is just a small taste of what it will be like this summer. 14-21 days away, 7-10 days home. What am I going to do? I am not sure but we have survived before and we will continue to do what we can to make this work. I don't know how people do it frankly, or even how I did it before. I know from experience that it gets easier as the days go by and I am looking forward to that. There is a weird part of me that gets used to being alone.

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On another note...
I talked to my sisters and my mom. On Skype with the video on, my neice looked at my face on her computer screen and said "hola patti" and I nearly died of happiness. She is so adorable. It was nice to talk to them, to hear how they are doing. The 15th was my dads birthday and after 17 years you'd think it would be an easier day for me, but its still not. I think about him more than I would admit to anyone. He died when I was only six and I still cannot stop thinking that I was robbed. I feel like I know him so well, maybe because a part of him lives on in me, or because he is so much on my mind. I don't know. My mom wrote about him in her blog (http://lili-viewfromabroad.blogspot.com/) and I realized that she has also never fully moved on. A part of me loves that, loves that my dad was her one and only. Another part wishes I could fill that void for her so that she would never have to hurt again.

That part of my life has so fully bled into all other areas of my life. I think its part of what makes it so hard for me when Jay leaves. I am so scared of losing him, so scared that I will be robbed again, of another man in my life, of the man of MY dreams. I know it is stupid because he could just as easily leave me sitting on the couch as climbing a mountain, but I can't help it. It's part of who I am.

And so, as I finish my rambling, if you are still reading, I apologize. I guess I needed to vent a little and maybe make this post a little more personal than I have allowed this blog to be. There is it, my heart on a page. Hope you enjoyed it because it doesn't happen often.

Please pray for Jays safety too and safe return home.

Where are we going?

Ok. So I know some of you are wondering what Jay and I are doing with our lives since we are no longer going to Africa. For those of you that didn't know we are not going to Africa with the Peace Corps...we are not going, long story, ask us.

So right now Jay and I are living with Jays parents in Parkesburg, PA. Its been good and hard and many things but we are grateful that they let us stay for awhile. Its been hard adjusting to a lifestyle where you literally have to drive EVERYWHERE. Anytime you want to go anywhere, you have to get in the car and drive quite a distance to go to a store. Even in Mechanicsburg we could walk into town to eat, do laundry, whatever. I think living here has proven to me that suburbia is not for me. If I can't get on a bike or walk, or even get on a bus to go someplace, then no thanks.

Anyway, so we have been living here. I have been working at Panera bread in Exton and Jay works at Modells and will soon start substitute teaching. Its kinda been weird to have a job again, especially because we are both working under our abilities. We are making money and trying to save for when we move to....dun dun dah! COLORADO!

So yeah, Jay and I are moving to Colorado sometime in early May. Jay got a job with Outward Bound leading trips all summer. He starts on May 17th and we are going to try anf find a place to live before that, god willing. I am so excited to be going somewhere that will be our home for awhile. Its been fun doing what we're doing, wandering around and going wherever we please, but there comes a time when you need a place to call home. Whatever we find I will be so glad to have a place for just Jay and I to be together and call our own. I am looking for jobs out there but haven't had alot of sucess. Jays job is exactly what he's wanted for awhile and I am so excited that he gets to do it. It will mean alot of time away but we can do it.

Colorado has so many things I am excited about. First of all, the Boulder area has great public transportation. Seeing as we don't have cars, that is a definate plus. Also, bike paths are everywhere and for the first time, Jay won't be the only crazy guy biking in cold weather, or at all for that matter. The mountains! Oh man I don't think I will ever get tired of looking at the mountains. We can go climbing after work if we want, go camping for the weekend in the mountain, go paddling on the local river, the list goes on and on in terms of what the outdoors have to offer us in CO. Also, I am so excited to be in a place and a community where we will be with some like minded people. People in Boulder care about our earth and that is really important to us. I feel like when I bike to the grocery store with my big basket on my bike and my cloth bags, people won't wonder what is going on. I will just park my bike next to the other bikes there and chat with people about how great it is that we can do this.

Maybe my vision of CO is tainted because I have always wanted to live there, or because it means having a home, either way, I am stoked. I will be with Jay in this beautiful place and it will be for awhile. Just to put icing on the cake, my sister Jen and her husband Chris are moving out there with my nephew Albert. I will be with some family which is so awesome to me. I get to see my nephew whom I love dearly, maybe be able to pick him up from school or have my special days with him again.
So thats the deal. Live at the parentals, make as much money as we can, move to CO and LIVE!

PS- For those of you that don't know, Jay is leaving for Bolivia next week and will be gone for two weeks. He will be paddling, hiking, mountaineering and helping with a camp down there. Send some prayers and good vibes our way so that he is safe and that his Spanish comes back easily!